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EUNOIA

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Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Breathe breathe breathe.

Screams of the mind,

Vague illusions in air.

I see it there,

Now I don't.

Impossible,

Yet another heartbeat,

Tentacles lined with thorn,

Constricting the core.

Vigorous punctures

Inside me,

A struggling piece

Now I feel,

Unable to heal.

Stop it. You ain't got it. Don't breathe. It's heat. Down your lungs. Up your throat. Love, just let it go. Your soul, your body. Entities entitled freedom of their own. One they were when you were born. Now they can never be, apart they are sawn.


The very idea of life distant

But inviting oblivion so near.

Fear of a word, one phrase,

Or yet another contradictory stance,

In the non-existent obedient boundaries

Of the once parliamentary mind.


Your head, your mind. The unruly repelling works of fire. One calling the other a liar. Is this life or living death, you'll never know. Unless to death it'self you bow. The mind killing voices that strangle your soul. Or the pretentious nonchalance of swift death. Darling, it's your call.


Palm sized routIne-

Reminder of lIfe,

Now a fast-paced revolver

AImIng at crates,

That once secured

consuming angst.

Gunshots fired

Victims ensured.


Darkness devouring the light,

The scene painted in black.

Unworthy, hopeless, undesired,

Life does not welcome my own,

Neither do

the demons in my head.


Oh no. No no. Not now. Not ever. Your tryst with the blade. Your hunger for the final slide. Oh no. Not now. This can never be. Why don't you see? This isn't the last day nor is it the final struggle. Yet to come, normalcy and anxiety you must juggle. Oh this fickle state I hate. But this is my below-par bait. A chance to live. Just one more time.


Stage set

for the unhealthy irony,

What is mine is not,

Nor the possession

of a third's.

Heavy doubts surface,

Existential reasons questioned.

Fingers twitch,

lights blinding,

Finding solace on the edges

Of the case, or a corner,

Fidgeting until the final.


Reality longing to pursue

The unforgiving cut.

Hasten the inevitable;

This, my pleading heart's desires.

But this pain,

Beyond endurance,

so final,

The body topples,

burdened by the war

within itself.


You feel that? Your beat? That clunky traumatized piece of machinery. Persevering through the changes in scenery. That reason isn't enough? It is Herculean, it's tough. But this light, don't you crave? And believe me, this is just another wave. This too shall pass. You too shall last.


Want weaves

around the fingers

Commanding, yet soothing

To hasten the grip.

The blade,

Ready to cut free

The ties of misery

Which ground

this lifeless life

To the evil haven

Where handfuls are promised

But of void,

Of vacuum.


Disputers conquering

The physical frame,

From within remind

Time and again

Of loss of control,

Of breath, of a beat,

Of tears, and of voice.

Disputers conquering

The physical frame

Have had their share

Of fair control

That I once did,

But never will.


Take a stand, make a mark. Love yourself, do it hard. You are breaking, but keep waking. There is reason, keep living. It's yours, this life. Please, I beg, Leave the knife. It's okay to wail, enough to ask. Reach for help, it's a task.

Hyperventilating musings,

Palpitating beats,

Uneasy unsure breathing.

The obvious loss of control,

Supposed lava rising,


Eating away a distant voice.

Confusion, perplexion,

No order I now posses.


For sacrifices in flame

Now far relatable

Than blunt abrupt stabs

Unearthing in here,

Somewhere.


Hatred coupled anger,

Lined with fear,

Serves the vicious mind

In the merciless

Murder of my numb soul.


I am the voice in your head. The reason you bled. Stop me, I'm tiring. Fickle, mercurial and luring. Your life should've been your call. But forgive me, I took it all. Do it now, call for help. Scream, wail or yelp. But do so before I change. Before I widen my range. On you, on many. Love, you are not alone. All of you alike, skin and bone. Now cry, emerging from your sheath. All the while. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.



-Sneha Devraj

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