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Balding 101: From Rags to Riches

It was a bright and early day, full of potential consternation when I stepped into my regular barber’s shop. Now let me make one thing clear. The relationship between a man and his barber is something of a sacred bond. The depths of emotions that are shared in those 20 minutes have no words in the English language. Needless to say, my visits to my barber are some of the happiest moments in my life.

Yet that Sunday, while I sat in the seat, waiting for him to come, I was given the honor of eavesdropping on a revolutionary conversation between a fellow customer and his barber.

“The same trim, Sir?” the barber asked, no doubt already figuring out the physics behind each cut. At least, I was hoping he was.

“Not today, Denis. I want you to chop it all off.”, the man proclaimed with apparent certainty.

That got my attention. The man in question had a full head of raven black hair. So black, it almost looked blue. There wasn’t even a hint of a widow’s peak.

Denis, however, had no trouble believing the bizarre request. In fact, he clapped his hands in delight. “Oh, of course, sir! Nowadays, everybody prefers the Bezos Special cut.”

I took this with me back home, still just as confused as ever. What on earth was the Bezos Cut? Doesn’t he not have hair? Oh god, was this a new GenZ thing my brain was too boomer to understand.

A quick search on the internet revealed it is indeed the act of completely removing your hair. Why was intentionally getting your head shaved a thing you spent money on? Is this some secret paganistic solution to a happy and successful marriage? Or a new requirement in some obscure offices? Who knew what those ‘hip’ youth workplaces demanded of their employees these days? Maybe there was a secret cult out there that asked its patrons to shave their heads. My brain suddenly transported me to a scene in the future, with a line of men standing outside salons, and every two minutes, out came a smug man in a pinstriped suit, flashing that new shiny head full of gleaming patriarchal dreams and hopes. Shrugging off the trepidatious fantasy before I rammed myself into the nearest streetlight, I marched on home, intent on getting to the bottom of this.

People often mention how toxic Google can really be. I always thought they were being ridiculous. It only shows you what you search for. How is it anyone but your own fault? Boy, was I wrong. The quicksand that I had just stepped my foot in was slowly but surely driving me insane.

Being probably the most opinionated entity on this planet, nay, the entire universe, Google had a thing or two to say about bald being the new cool. Studies have proven than bald men are more likely to succeed in acquiring and retaining leadership positions. Studies. Conducted at top leading universities. Universities that have deemed their acceptance rates are firm at a ridiculous 1% of the entire nation. And the first thing that I thought? Is this where my taxpaying dollars are going?

Being an openminded and, lets be honest, non-crazy person, I decided to go down this spiral even deeper. Because surely, this can’t be a thing? Which bright bulb woke up one day in the morning and went, you know what? Let’s add another point in favour of sexism. Bald men.

According to my 40-minute-deep dive into this knowledgeable farce, we, as the human race, have indeed surmised that yes, bald men are more prone to be authority figures because of the way they are perceived by colleagues and subordinates. A person, who spends all his energy into leading, into managing, obviously doesn’t have the time or will to maintain something as measly as hair. Obviously. I am of course assuming that this equation does not consider women as a factor at all.

This got me thinking about how far our race can go, just to prove the most derisory opinions to be valid. There are bound to be people out there who will and already have accepted this study as a course of their life. There is already a group of old, rich white bald men out there, who will henceforth shun every man and woman for having a head full of hair, calling them naïve and dumb enough to not follow their footsteps. It’s an overflowing cliché-pinnata just waiting to have a bat swung at it. Human psychology is such a strong force of nature, and its impact as, basically a master manipulator has never been more apparent to me.

Because as much as I ponder these intricacies and how outrageous they are, I can’t stop the devil sitting on my shoulder from whispering, Maybe you should book an appointment with Denis.


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