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To all the Russian hackers I've loved before

Updated: Mar 1, 2021

No room - Kody Lavigne

As Jay Shetty breathed into the podcast "Calm ease stillness & peace" I stopped cold in my tracks. My cobweb reeking Spotify account which only sang the melancholic melodies of love lost that was never found to begin with, had a new face. As I scrolled through my Liked playlist to pick out a song to play for the 298th time that week, I saw it. An unfamiliar song. Then another. And another. Until suffocation gripped my lungs as I realised reality. There was little room for me in the playlists that I had created. My Spotify was hacked. Welcome to My Episodes. Of life.

Mixed Signals - Ruth B.

At that moment, I felt nothing. But it was all for just a moment until all of the conflict began surfacing - emotion and thought, tension and what-not. My digital privacy had been breached and I had no clue by who. Practicality turned me towards the advised route. Simple steps: Pause the podcast, report the breach and secure the account. But practicality has always been my Achilles’ heel.

Push my luck - The Chainsmokers

Trembling arms and a fluttering chest. Who are you, I wanted to ask him and needed to know him as I filled in the hollow heart at the lower left of Who Are You by Flavio Jerome. The latest addition into our Liked playlist reflected my curiosity and like our private note exchange, there it was, a question- who are you? -waiting for his next note. I hoped he would tell me who he was. Hacker or not, he was part of it now, part of my playlist and now part of my Q&A.

Miracles - Coldplay

His next song was a whisper. Whisper by Max Hurrell. It was his way of conversation so I listened. I listened to it until the lines between us blended like the playlist we shared. I failed to recognise my songs from his as my heart sung the loudest it had in three years. It needed answers but my heart could wait. If it could wait three years to reset and begin afresh, patience could find in itself to stretch another mile. He might have just whispered right now but it was beginning to sound like a conversation. Our conversation.

Location Unknown - HONNE.

I was wrong, my heart just couldn't wait. I treaded carefully along the thin line that differentiated Reset Password from Recent Activities till I reached the end of the line. To find him. Found You (by Austin Mahone). The activity pointed to Russia - 6012 kilometres holding us apart. We truly were opposites, weren't we? As were my Indie Pop to your Techno & EDM and my India to your Russia, we were more than Six feet apart (by Alec Benjamin).

My location unknown

Tryna find a way back home

To you again

I gotta get back to you

Gotta, gotta get back to you

Let me down slowly - Alec Benjamin

I am beginning to question myself. My song choices. Was it inappropriate of me to invade his privacy by asking him questions. Is he someone who’s reeling from a recent heartbreak? Or was I just another one of his French girls? Did I even exist to him or was I just the face on my Spotify? I had him hack into my account- my life. The least I expected was a reply note. A song that answered my questions. I just hope I am not Russian' into this.

If this is the last time - LANY

Maybe I am rushing things. Maybe he is not who I expected. Maybe he is not who was promised to be. He promised nothing, didn't he? How am I so sure he is a he who is as old as me (plus or minus 5). A Russian ballerina or an undercover spy? Maybe my hopes were too high. For all I knew, "he" must be a techno daadi with a tech geek grandson. I can hear her scream through her dentures "Why don't you dance?". I wipe my mind slate clean of the glaringly graphic thought only to be left alone with the strained chords of the heart.

If this is the last time, please come close

I love you with all my heart, you know

I don't wanna cry, I'm bad at goodbye

Before you go - Lewis Capaldi

So, before you go, was I wrong in dreaming a little? Wanting you to catch hold of the line as I flung it to you? Expecting you to sing the chorus with me, our chorus?

Hey. So I believe it's time now. For us to say goodbye. Goodbye to someone I wish I knew. Goodbye to someone who might be anyone.

Goodbye stranger (by Greta Panettieri)


before you go

Was there something I could've said

To make it all stop hurting?

Ghost of you - 5 Seconds of Summer

If I can dream long enough

You'd tell me I'd be just fine

I'll be just fine

So I drown it out like I always do

Dancing through our house

With the ghost of you


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