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The Trip

We kept going in a loop.

An endless time loop that was by definition, endless.

Or it seemed that way. It was like clockwork.

Over and over again, the same questions, the same problems, the same solutions, the same tasks, and favors. It felt more real than this reality itself. The candlelight that drew itself to her, leaving after images in between that made her look divine. The vibrations that coursed through the room from the laughter and music. The dull glow left behind from the small red bulb. An infinite loop of the same things, being trapped in one moment for what felt like an eternity. It felt troubling to be trapped like that and I started questioning reality and kept testing it to know if it was real or if it was the physical manifestation of my mind. "There's no way all this could feel so real and not be." I walked through the three of them like they weren't really there like they were images created by my mind to break me. They looked and felt real. The steps, the pathways, the grass, pools of water, concrete columns; Am I really here right now? The water slipped off my fingers like the molecules themselves wanted to listen to me, as they would've if I commanded them to. And the column withered away into dust as I commanded it to. The direction I was going showed me an infinite walk towards somewhere that seemed like the boundary of my mind. A kind of reset button or checkpoint in a game where I could start over. I kept hearing their voices, taunting me. Telling me I need to be validated. Telling me I need people to like me. Need people to need me. It felt like these voices and questions cornered my soul. Backed up against a wall and being crushed. "Are you lonely? Do you feel like you're misunderstood? That no one understands you?" 

If it were all in my head, if it actually was what my mind would be in a physical form, was this it? My boundaries couldn't have been this. I wanted myself more than anything else now. Whatever my actual self is/was. "Whatever this is, I want you to wake me up right now." If it were all me, mine, then everything should've bent to my will and nothing I did would've had any real-world consequences. If it weren't real, how long could I survive in my mind, made up of the places, people, emotions, and stimuli I experience the most? The ones that are immediately around me. "Are you lonely?" He asked. "I don't want to be. I can't do it." And then everything felt like a lucid dream where my actions have no "real" consequences. I had seen it all. Over and over again in the loop a million times. I couldn't predict things because I didn't want to. In an infinite time loop, where the same things happen no matter what you try to change, no matter how aware you are of the fact that it'll happen, what use have you of trying to see into the future?

It was almost like I had trapped myself in a sandbox or a world-building game made by my mind. Creating yourself in a world which you created. 

I kept pushing the limits of my world, and I thought "is this it? It could be bigger. It might be. For now, I suppose it doesn't matter." 

"Right now. At this very moment, where are we? Can you prove to me that this is real?" "We are wherever you want to be. Wherever we are."

I'd like to think the answer satisfied me. And then we had a smoke at the desolate bus stand. The sky looked like a painting and I felt everything and nothing. A realization settled on me - one that had no meaning or form. It just was. I had one foot in my mind and the other in our supposed collective reality. I never went one way or the other. But I went searching for myself, to break free of the loop, and the "reality" around me showed me what I fear the most. I decided that all of it seemed pointless in a non-existent time loop of my psyche and wondered if I could be a better God in a world that is my being. Temporary and raw, unadulterated me and it was mine. It made sense that I was mine before I was anyone else's.

-Not Your Nietzche


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